This is Grace pretending to be shy. For a while I worked with kids who don't "fit" into regular school. I met a lot of really cool kids, and for that it was an amazing experience. Grace and I have kept in touch, and I really appreciate our relationship, even if she causes me endless grief. I think I say "really Grace?!" ten times during our get togethers, but she's 17 and I'm not, and sometimes you need someone to say "do you think it's a good idea to be going on dates with other boys when you have a boyfriend?" and to ask "is he nice to you? no, well, give him the boot." It's also funny to catch up on all the gossip, and to hear I'm missed.
I was fortunate enough to head out to a friend's cabin this week. It was beautiful and snowy and crisp. I walked out onto the lake and stood there, taking in the view, and appreciating just how quiet it was. Out there on the frozen lake there wasn't a sound, not even my own thoughts which was so very welcomed.
Today was a crappy day. I actually had to say "yes, it will affect me if I don't get paid the $850 I'm supposed to." That's a conversation that could have never happened and I would have been fine with it.
When I came home I knew I needed something to cheer me up.
Came across this this morning, and it's so funny. The guy resembles my sister's boyfriend, and it's something I can totally see him doing (at the end of the night). I've watched it a bunch of times, and I've laughed each time. I love how cool and uninvolved everyone looks.
Porcupines are (maybe) my favorite animals. They remind me of old people and toddlers simultaneously. They are grumpy, they have funny looking teeth, sometimes they are super cuddly, and they make funny noises.
I've been listening to old playlists this week. I've made a few that have survived over the years; some were gifted as cd's and others I apparently made for specific times, like "reading" (so says the title). Listening to them is always kind of fun because I don't know what song is next, and when it plays, I'm sort of transported back, and I remember, oh, yeah, I thought that song would be good because of this reason, or I put this song next because it means this to me.
The last three songs on my "reading" playlist were repeated many times today. It's cold but bright out, and they just seemed to fit with the stillness.
This song changes my blood pressure. As soon as I hear the first sounds, I feel myself instantly calm. This is a real love song to me.
I was lucky enough to see Bill Callahan years ago when he came here as Smog. He's so awkward and wonderful. His voice resonates so much with me and his lyrics are like weird poems. Thinking of an actual teenage spaceship, awkwardly flying around, makes me smile. There's a line in the song - "I was beautiful with all my lights, loomed so large on the horizon, so large, people thought my windows were stars," and I think it's really beautiful.
I love me some Sufjan, especially his early stuff, like Seven Swans. Just him and a guitar and some minimal accompaniment is so so good. His music, especially his acoustic stuff, makes me want to go to a cabin in the winter and curl up and just look outside.
For good measure (this song is on the playlist but not part of the final three), here's one of my most favorite songs of all time. Talk about swoon worthy, dear goodness this is near perfect. I want this song at my wedding, my funeral, and everything in between.
I've been looking over my collection of books, and picking out ones to revisit this winter. I've also been thinking a lot lately. Probably too much. Heavy boots came to mind, so I decided to look up Jonathan Safran Foer quotes. Holy shit. So many good ones. Definitely spending some time with him this winter.
“What did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think. I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.”
“I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others -- The only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad.”
“You are the only one who has understood even a whisper of me, and I will tell you that I am the only person who has understood even a whisper of you.”
"She was like a drowning person, flailing, reaching for anything that might save her. Her life was an urgent, desperate struggle to justify her life.”
"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living.”
"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
"Why didn't I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future.”
Today is my birthday. I am thirty. It's been a good day. Lots of friends and food and good. It was a nice day. Now it's just me and Clem and a little R. G. Even when he's gross he's not.
